The Dream Factory

sdot:

vonvoss:

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

-Charles Bukowski

bibliotheque

sdot:

I have been tired for quite some time.  I understand.  Think of your therapist as a mirror. A mirror doesn’t have an opinion, but it does give you a reflection to examine.

Sometimes, being able to let whatever mind garbage you’ve been walking around with, out, is more effective than anything else.  Don’t concern yourself with who collects the garbage.  Just work to keep them employed.  Know what I mean?

Firstly, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. It really means a lot.

Secondly, this is by far the BEST advice I have gotten (on anything) in a while. I am so glad you took the time to bless me with your insight. I had never thought to think of my therapist as a mirror/ garbage collector. I never realized how productive just having therapy as a dumping ground, even if I don’t leave with solutions, can be. Due to my impatient nature, I have gotten accustomed to gauging progress by the number of problems I can solve. However I didn’t even notice I was doing that in this situation until you reminded me of the importance of just expressing and getting things out of my system. That in and of it’s self is productivity.

Thank you!!

i.am.tired.

i am in a rut.

i feel cornered, and the space i am trapped in is so small i barely have the strength to cry or verbalize it.

i think my therapist is afraid of me. or apathetic. either way she is not helping me and i am slowly starting to resent her.

i am discouraged. i am disillusioned and i need change.

i need movement. even if it’s backward i just need to go somewhere.

i need to rediscover my agency and my power.

i.am.tired.

as of late ive been having the hardest time connecting with people. young, old, black, white, boy, girl, no matter what im surrounded by i end up feeling alienated. this is new for me. it’s like i don’t belong and more importantly, like i dont even care to belong. as time goes on, no matter how nice everyone is, the number of people i can tolerate pass “hi” and “bye” decreases exponentially. but i don’t know why.

i don’t know if its the weather, or the holiday season or the end of the semester and all the stress that brings but something has changed.

is it me?